semi-deep thoughts

For some stupid reason I'm feeling overwhelmingly tempted to just delete my journal today. Why? I like writing. I like having a network of friends, and a support system.

I think sometimes it feels like I'm portraying a billion different faces. In my head, I know who I am. But when I try to just *be* that person, it doesn't seem to work out.

For example, the other day we went to dinner with friends. I kept thinking, "For heavens sakes Amy, just be yourself! You like yourself! You're perfectly likeable!" But I don' think I was. I tried.. but I couldn't figure out how to act in order to "be myself".

I'm trying to sink into "me". There are things that I know about me that are already ways that I act, and there are ways I know that I am, and ways I want to be, but I don't do them yet.

Yesterday a guy cut me off and I honked at him. I was all annoyed. Then I thought, "okay this surely is not who I am. I do NOT need angry energy. What did that do to me? make me have to tap my brake? Why is that so horribly bad? He was pulling out and there was a parked car there, he didn' see me. He's trying to speed up. What am I gaining by giving him my anger and honking at him? All it's doing it putting me in a bad mood." and so on and so forth.

So you see, I'm trying to become a more full version of myself. I don't want bad energy. But I don' feel that I portray "me" to anyone that knows me, reads me, sees me, etc. I know a few LJers that are in person exactly what they seem in their posts.

I'm rambling. Again. (and yes I do do that in person, but not as badly) It's hard for me sort out my feelings without having a serious pity party.

When I look at LJ, it's a popularity contest. No,that's not why I do it. And in fact, I honestly do not care if people comment to my journal. I write purely for me. However lately, as I've been doing this "finding myself", I see people with just as many friends on their FL get 15 zillion comments and think, "so what, exactly, makes them so much better than me? more interesting than me? more worthy of support?"

Obviously these feelings are completely unfounded. I'll not buy into this impractical and sudden feeling that my worth is measured by online friends, comments, or the depth of these comments. But it frustrates me that I even thought those things, and tempted me to just delete the journal altogether. This is certainly not what I'm trying to gain with this outlet!

I need to take a "finding inner peace" voyage or something. A sabbatical, heh. I feel like I've done a lot of soul searching, but I really have this desire to get to the bottom of it all. Love being me, you know?